The Art of Holding Space, and Listening
More and more mental health services are popping up, and thank goodness. We need more options to support our mental and spiritual growth. Are you familiar with TalkSpace? (Michael Phelps, the Olympian, is a spokesperson.) I don’t actually know much about it, except I like the name, TalkSpace. The idea of having space to speak out loud the things you’ve been harboring inside feels like a human right to me. When we keep our thoughts locked inside of us, especially the ones that are dark or worrisome, they eat away on the inside. It’s like having faulty wiring behind the walls in your house. You risk a lot by feigning ignorance and refusing to deal with the signs as they arise… Blowing fuses, lights randomly flickering, generally using energy inefficiently.
If you are easily thrown off balance and recognize that you often assume the worst in situations and people, it may feel easier to stay locked up, and not let anyone in because of course no one else could possibly understand what you’re going through. And how could they? You’ve become a vault, and maintaining security 24/7 is expensive and exhausting in terms of your health. If you have ever suffered from nausea and just kept swallowing it down, then you know how crappy it makes you feel. Sometimes you just need a good hurl to clear the system and reset.
Your thoughts when they are in turmoil can clog your energy system. Letting go of what’s upsetting your balance on the inside involves recognizing negative thoughts and giving them an out, a place to go. One way is journaling. I have personally filled countless notebooks. Sometimes I begin writing about what I perceive is a problem, and two sentences in, I’m already feeling a shift in my energy and I can envision a solution, or at least a realization that what I thought of as problematic is actually not such a big deal. Have you ever noticed how the thing you’ve fretted over is often inconsequential two weeks later? It’s like, why was I obsessing and spending so much time worrying about that thing? It actually worked itself out with minimal effort from me.
Back to the idea of talk space… Aside from journaling, you can simply speak your thoughts out loud and it relieves the pressure of having stuff locked inside your brain snaking the same infinity loop over and over again. Sometimes hearing yourself speak provides enough of a shift to switch you out of a downward spiral. But often it’s even more helpful to find a sounding board in another person. Be selective about your person. A good sounding board is a good listener. Holding space for someone means listening without judgment. Certainly there are times when a well placed question is helpful. But often just having someone else who will gently listen and nod is enough.
There is a caveat to designating the “helpful” listeners in your life however. Yes, they want what’s best for you, and yes, they are your biggest cheerleaders. However, holding space in a supportive way means resisting the urge to deny the speaker’s truth, trying to convince them they are wrong. Have you ever been vulnerable with someone and dared to express your innermost feelings, only to have them rush in with a comment that contradicts the deeply personal reflection you just shared, in their effort to boost your spirits? Or worse, to be denied your feelings in order that you not spoil theirs?
Alternately, has anyone ever confided in you only to receive your brilliant guidance all wrong, missing the mark completely, and leaving them bitter, angry or silent, and you scratching your head over what just happened? A family member who you love boundlessly admits, “I just feel so overwhelmed and out of my comfort zone with this situation. I’m not equipped to handle this. It’s too much. I can’t do it. I’m a failure.” And and your tender heart full of love for them demands you to offer a knee jerk reply, and deny deny deny. In your most compassionate way, with hope in your voice, you respond with, “No! That’s not true! You are brilliant. You’re just overthinking. You can handle this and everything will turn out great, you’ll see!”
Even if you are completely correct about how things will eventually turn out, you’ve already betrayed your loved one’s trust, by simply not hearing what they are saying. I think we’ve all had moments when we feel outweighed by our circumstance and when we verbalized it out loud, we were met with an eye roll, or a plea to stop thinking so negatively. (The worst is when they “should” on you. “You should do this or You should try that.”) A well intentioned peptalk may actually cause additional hurt, when all that was really needed was space, space to talk it out. Get the thoughts out in to the daylight to see how they hold up.
Upon becoming aware of this potential trap in my own behavior, I have tried to have awareness for how other people use their voice to express something troubling. I listen to their words. Are they asking for a solution? Or simply an opportunity to get something out of their head where they can have a better look at what’s bothering them? There’s a fine line sometimes, but this is the work of improving listening skills. Hear what the other is saying. If they are not asking, “How can I fix this,” or “What do you think, and What am I missing,” then chances are, they are just getting the thoughts out of their head, and they need a witness. That is the beauty of loving relationships. Baring witness to another’s suffering is a very valuable and often undermined skill.
So choose your talk space people - be they friends or therapists - with care. And if you recognize that someone has chosen you to be that person for them, be honored and patient with them.
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The stillness is where all the answers are.
