Calm Beneath the Surface
Image by Jeremy Bishop
Think of a duck and how she paddles, gracefully gliding along the top of the pond or river, if we could see her feet underwater, we’d see a lot of frenetic activity as she powers along. Many times in my life, I’ve compared myself to the duck and the water. On the outside, casual observers would see a calm exterior moving easily through life. But under the surface, in the inner recesses of my soul, I’d be paddling as if trying to stay upright in a stormy sea. I don’t know why I do that, feel I must conceal my anguish and anxiety from the world, but I do. I guess I don’t want people to pity me or think I’m not in control. Lack of control equals weak, right?. Or maybe I realize that by sharing a vulnerability I will be a bullseye on someone else’s radar. Maybe they will question me and it will make my anxiety intensify. Better to drop that hot potato and pretend it doesn’t exist.
No matter how much I ignored my inner anguish though, it never abated. Until I called it out of the shadows. Like literally talked out loud to that part of me and asked it what the f*** it wanted from me. When you suffer from anxiety, it is often a very lonely existence because even if you divulged all of your inner secrets to another trusted soul, they can never be in the pain with you. So how can they possibly get it? I’ve visited with several therapists through the years, and while it seemed to make me feel better in the moment, and proud of myself for taking a positive step, I’d have another night with a racing heart, shallow breath and sweaty palms, and everything I thought I knew or learned about myself went right out the window. There were a few occasions when I rushed off to the doctor’s office and even the ER, so certain was I that I was dying. Of course medication helped. Until it didn’t, and by that I mean, I was still suffering. The problem wasn’t going away, I was just handling the symptom by dulling the pain.
Fortunately I didn’t stop seeking answers for a better quality of living, an opportunity that would allow me to feel better in my body. Through life coaching, I learned about Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and the power of the subconscious mind. Our troubles are often rooted very deeply in past traumas (some that we don’t even remember on a conscious level) and we may even carry ancestral trauma in our DNA! This was an eye opener for me because I never would have imagined that my anxiety could be rooted in problems I didn’t even create.
I kept digging, and discovered often helpful modalities, like Emotional Freedom Technique or Tapping as it is often called. Tapping helps to rebalance your energy and I swear it has helped me immensely. There are many tools I have learned to employ for the purpose of managing my emotions and stress. Most of them are not mainstream and what we as a modern society have historically rolled our eyes at. As technological advancements allow scientists to measure the formerly unmeasurable, the things we previously considered “woo woo” are now often backed by science. Scientists can measure and examine all types of brain and neurological activity that provide windows in to the way we operate. The field of medicine is exploding as technology leads to “new” discoveries, and scientists are actually just confirming ancient wisdom that has been passed down through the ages, but somehow lost in our modern idea what’s to be believed. The stale science says: You have to see to believe. Now we are learning that when we simply Be the version of us we’ve been desiring, the universe steps forward to lend a hand. Learning the ways of meditation and heart-brain coherence, scientists are now able to measure and document waves of energy moving in sync to produce what we might have once considered magic. Whoa, the Aha! moments continue to wash over me…
